So this weekend I got out of my comfort zone and went to a dance class with two of my closest friends. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. On the way there I wasn’t thinking about being partnered with complete strangers, I was just excited to be getting out of the house after Houstons first winter storm in 19 years. Of course, I am late to the class, I say that because I’m a complete diva and I’m always fashionably late. The class has already begun and the instructor is explaining steps, and within in 10 minutes, we are being instructed to find a partner. All of a sudden I am the 13-year-old girl who no one wants to dance with, I am embarrassed, scared, and nauseous all at once. I cast myself to the side assuming no one wants to dance with me after my friend is chosen. Three minutes later I am partnered with a nice gentleman. I’m feeling super awkward and again afraid. I’m not accustomed to having a man so close to me, I forgot to mention I’m at a Bachta class a sensual Latin dance. Yes, maybe not my best decision for my first dance class.
I’m behind because we missed ten minutes of the first lesson and because I am nervous and stiff all the moves are wrong and I am UNCOMFORTABLE and EMBARRASSED. The whole time I’m thinking about what he’s thinking of and not only him but the other men in the room. Will they be willing to dance with a fat woman? Will they walk away or make faces? As a plus size woman, I’m always expecting the worst response from men. Mostly because of what dumbasses say on social media. I also base my experiences off of what other stories I hear from plus-sized women who have tragic encounters with the opposite sex. I’m a person who can learn from others peoples experiences. I sometimes don’t need to find out for myself if you tell me something was bad or not worth it. Nine times out of ten I’m going to listen to your advice. As I grow older and dip my toe into this dating world and not even that into the nightlife I am learning sometimes I will have to experience these things for myself. I will have to block out all of my fears and others experiences and live my own life. I try not to allow my weight hold me back from being myself but when you feel like all eyes are on you it’s hard to get that confidence boost or put a smile on your face.
We changed partners about 6 or 7 times before I stopped and had to have a glass of wine to loosen up. I was too far in my head and overthinking every step, I couldn’t count the times I said sorry to my partners and their lack of expression didn’t help much.
Let’s discuss these partners:
- The best ones were the ones who couldn’t dance at all. You could also read their faces well and could tell they were just as nervous dancing with a complete stranger than you were. They made it fun and light.
- Then there were the experienced dancers the ones who either have taken this class once or twice before or just know how to dance to a beat. They were also the confident men the ones who took the lead. As much as I hate to say it I loved it, it took so much pressure off of me and helped me think less and just go with the flow. There was one in particular who just swooped me off of my feet. No, not in the romance way but just the way he took charge and guided me. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to distance myself to make not only myself feel comfortable but also my partner. But every time I tried he would pull me closer and smile, in a caring way, a way to make me feel not so uncomfortable if that makes sense. It actually made me feel desired. His pulling me closer shocked me because he was not an ugly guy, in fact, he was like blue-eyed Prince Charming. And for one second in my life, I felt like I was in one of my favorite movies the Cinderella by Rodgers and Hammerstein with Brandy and Whitney Houston. If you grew up black or you’re a musical lover you know what movie I’m referring to.
After the class, we were invited to stay for the after party to practice the moves that we just learned. I just knew in my head I would be sitting out the whole time watching my friends enjoy themselves and them grabbing me when they weren’t dancing with some random. To my surprise that was not the case, in less than five minutes I was asked to dance. Let’s discuss my emotions this go-round, Nervous as hell! I gave him a warning that I didn’t remember a single step and he assured me he didn’t as well. He was nice and gentle trying to lead me the best way he could. I danced with a few more who definitely knew what they were doing and surprised me.
So I’ve now gone through the basics now let’s discuss what I learned from my experience.
- As much as I hate to admit it, being a black woman with real role models of what independence looks like. I would like a man to take the lead. It felt good letting go and allowing someone to walk in front. It made me realize if I did that in my relationship with God more I’d have less worry. But that’s another blog for another day.
- I need to experience more life. I can’t let my weight hold me back or allow fear to creep in. Even when I’m uncomfortable af I need to keep pressing.
- I have a good team around me. My friends refused for me to sulk and sit on the sidelines. They encouraged me to get out there and have some fun. Love you both xx
Now one thing I want to say before I leave is I don’t get embarrassed or shy because I don’t think I’m beautiful, hell if I’m honest I think I’m prettier than most of the woman out there. Something my mom always taught me and not only her but life, your size can’t take away your beauty inside or out. I just think about what the guy is thinking about it, regards to my size. And as much as we like to say it doesn’t matter what they think at the end of the day that thought runs across our minds whether fat or thin. But regardless of what that man thinks or what size I am. I will always shake what my mama gave me.